Thursday, June 29, 2017

Everything Wrong With ACOWAR- A Rant Review

Needless to say copyright belongs to CinemaSins, right?

Okay, I have two things to say:
1. When it comes to SJM’s books I always end up writing a 10K word-long rant where I put my heart and my annoying need to mercilessly criticize every single detail on page. BUT when I try to post it on Goodreads it ends up being too fricking long so I have to cut some parts out, and then I get mad at myself because I should have known better. So this review is going to be precise and to the point and if I want to complain some more have something else to say I’ll probably write really long and annoying blog posts devoted to that single topic.

2. I have given this a lot of thought and… this is going to be my last book by this author. I really enjoyed ACOTAR, it was the first book I read by SJM and the one that spurred me into reading her other series (huge mistake folks, huge mistake). But I realized I’ve come to a point where I… just… *sigh* fuck it, I just don’t care about anything that happens in these worlds. I don’t care about the characters, I don’t care about their immature romances, I don’t care if the world ends or not, if the evul Fae queens/Kings win or not (even though we know that they’ll die in the end and all the good guys will sing cumbaya). I keep picking up these books in the hopes that I’ll be as amazed as everybody else is so I can fangirl and get excited about stuff… and I don’t. Frankly, this series has become so wildly popular that the author can write any half-assed thought that comes through her mind (like ACOWAR) and it’ll become an instant best-seller. I don’t like her writing, it’s not interactive. Minni Mouse made a fantastic point in her review regarding this; with other books all characters are open to interpretation; some people will root for them, others will dislike them but overall the writing lets us think for ourself and make up our own minds on these characters. No such thing happens here, in SJM books she wants everybody to see the characters as perfect and beautiful as she makes them so she’ll grab your face and rub it into their specialness until you’re fucking drowing in it.

You can’t say that Rhysand isn’t perfect, you can’t say that the bunch of fake paid actors who play Rhysand’s unoriginal gang are all beautiful and selfless and would die for each other and blah, blah, blah. I hate this! I hate that we can only see things the way the author wants us, I hate that she puts so much effort into making us see how fucking white-bread perfect everybody is that she neglects the actual characters. Poor guys are as plain and interxchangeable as cotton underwear.

So, basically what I’m trying to say here (and I’m going to stop now before I get too carried away again) is that I’m tired and bored, and even though I like to write annoying reviews where I tear these books apart, a little part of my dark soul dies everytime I have to force myself into reading another page. I’m done, farewell!!! I’m sure I won’t be missed.

3.Last but not least, I’ve seen a good couple of reviews that start by clarifying that their negative review or rating is not meant as an offense or anything towards the author or the books, it is simply their personal opinions. These are all wonderful people who have received hate for having an opinion that diverged from the rest, now that’s awful! These people were just very politely and coherently trying to express their opinion of a book they did not enjoy. So I just want to tell everybody that may come into this review… that I’m FUCKING FULL of offense. I’m not nice, I’m bitter and annoying and my last fuck ran away with the last shred of my sanity (thanks college) so, if well I’ll try to analyze and I’ll do my best, this review will also contain a good deal of no-bullshitness. Be warned.

1. The book admits to be pointless in the first chapter.

ACOMAF ended on a big cliff-hanger; Feyre had become the High Lady of the Night Court, her sisters had been violated and turned into Fae against their will. Her friends had been tortured and a dude with God complex threatened to take over the world so, Feyre for reasons incomprehensible at the time (and later on because it made no fucking sense), decided that she would play spy and convince Tamlin that Rhys had mated her against her will so she could get information on Hybern’s army.

Now, the funny thing is that the super suspenseful ending was shit all over as soon as ACOWAR begun when Feyre pointed out that what she was doing was pointless.

[…] it would raise too many questions, undermine too many crafted lies that had kept him and his court-my court-safe.
Though I wondered if, after Velaris, it was even necessary. Our enemies knew of the city, knew it was a place of good and peace. And had tried to destroy it at the first opportunity.

Let’s be honest here, the ending of ACOMAF had a lot of potential, it could have been really cool to see the depths Feyre would go to help end this war, but we just never see it. All she ever does is complain about absolutely everything, smiling at Tamlin and Lucien and then muttering behind their backs about how much she hates them.


There was absolutely NO FUCKING LOGIC to this plan whatsoever. Here’s a step by step guide, in case you guys wanna try it out (please don’t):

-Play meek.

-Turn on the light bulb in your coochie during a sermon so everybody thinks you’re a goddess. They won’t think it’s frikky or a really stupid way to risk everybody knowing you “stole” powers from them. Nope, they’ll totally worship you because it makes real fucking sense.

-Screw over the lowly fae in Tamlin’s place and then give a sermon about how hard this is for you. Other people are not important unless they are related to the guy you’re screwing or can give you something that you want.

-You know that PTSD portrayal the author got so praised for? Shit on it and forget it so that you can go and make your abuser (the one you were rightfully terrified off) assault you so that people will feel bad for you. Fuck any sort of decent portrayal of abuse victims because it’s no longer necessary for the narrative. 

-Believing yourself so mighty and beloved that thousands of people will totally die for you, a stranger they have never met and who they may have heard about for only a couple of weeks. Who needs to work hard to gain people’s respect when you can simply believe that they owe it to you for no goddamn reason?

-Show your real intentions to Hybern’s people. I’m sure they will keep your secret, especially if they are incestuous and psycho relatives of him.

-Do not realize when you are getting poisoned even though it’s really fucking obvious.

-Get no useful information oh, and fuck up the court closest to the border. That way it will be easier for your enemy to cross the continent and kill all the humans you’re trying to protect.

-Basically, spend weeks wasting your time when there’s a war that will change the fate of the entire world going on. 

2.Calling this book feminist is like calling Trump a decent human being:

I guess some people would call this an exaggeration... and they wouldn’t be wrong. After all, everybody knows Trump is a piece of shit, but somehow these books just keep being praised as some feminist masterpiece when in reality it’s anything but.

I’m gonna be short because I get bored just thinking about this book, but let’s focus on what this book took as its token for feminist representation and that is the first High Lady in history.

Phyritian is a very misogynist land because... ehh... historical accuracy? (you know with the fae and shit) and so Feyre being a high lady is a HUGE thing, or at least the book will tell you that all.the.fuckig.time, Because it has never happened before. 

A woman being high lady of a court is somethig unheard off. Feyre is setting a statement by being the first woman to have such a powerful position. This is shown in the book both as part of Feyre’s journey to baddassery and to show readers what a “feminist” Rhysand is. And if you are wondering what the fuck does a guy have to do with a woman being a feminist icon for the masses, that’s because Feyre got her position as high lady because her husband gave it to her.

She didn’t earn it. She didn’t fight for it or was even qualified to become high lady. Rhysand loved her (for reasons still unknown) so he gave her the most powerful position a fae can have with no regards to her powers, abilities as a leader, or any other sort of abilities whatsoever.

”I made her High Lady,” Rhys said simply, lowering his hands from my face but not leaving my side, “because I love her. Her powers had nothing to do with that.”

So basically Feyre is like the boss’ daughter that gets hired to be manager at 18 with no studies or any sort of capabilities, bossing around people twice her age who are much more qualified to kick her ass.

This is fucking ridiculous! What’s the whole point of “yeah, high lady bitches! !!” when she just got the job because she screwed Rhysand?

3.The writing makes puppies cry:

I take a deep breath and fill my lungs with starving gulps of night-scented air. I am free, my friends- free of this Cauldron-forsaken writing that has been haunting my very dreams. A faint smile plays on my lips as I contemplate my work, for the person who is speaking now is not Mila The Bullshit Revealer, nor is it Mila The Foul Mouthed, but it is Mila The One Who Finished And Won’t Give a Fudge Anymore. A single star-blessed tear runs down the honeygold skin of my cheek, forging paths deeper than sorrow itself. How long have I longed for it-prayed for it, even? Weeks, yes, but it feels like eons ago since I began this journey that nearly took a piece of me, my patience. A shiver glides down my spine as I consider how so many males and females see in this writing a matter of good taste. How they praise Maas for the ellipses and dashes-so many dashes my friends, that I want to weep.
But my path is forged differently now- sturdier, brighter, all because this is over. This is not time for contemplation or bitterness, no- it’s time for liberation. I run to my shelf and give the book a vulgar gesture, the book has gone mad by now, I know it. It whispers of orgasmic star-births and wasted potential, but I have no ears for it anymore. “I’m free!” I purr, but instead of purring I speak because I’m a human and not a fricking cat, “I’m free and no other mate bond or chemistry-less couple by this author will ever have power over me. I have broken down my chains-chains that kept me locked up in despair and have nothing to hold me down, damn it!”

4.Feyre and Rhysand don’t love each other:

This is a no-brainer. Take away that annoying mate bond that was the excuse for Insta-love and what else is there between them?

Let’s face it the mate bond is the excuse Maas used to get these two together because otherwise they would never have fallen in love, wanna know why? Because you can’t fall in love with a cardboard, especially when you are a cardboard yourself. Feyre and Rhysand have no personality whatsoever, so what’s there to love besides their hotness?

It was funny because while I was reading this book, one day I talked with a friend who has been with her boyfriend for over five years. She had a very honest perspective on her relationship; you see she loves him but she knows people change and maybe the time will come when they won’t be together anymore. She doesn’t hope for that to happen, but she’s aware it’s a real possibility.

And then you had these two idiots, Feyre and Rhysand who have known each other for like, three weeks (not counting the times they spoke with the bond because they barely spoke anyways) and they talk about undying love and shit. If this were an ACTUAL relationship and not some magic-hormone-induced lust we all know they would break up in a month.

5.The ending was like Breaking Dawn but with more creepy mate bonds:

We’ve all read the happily ever after in which a super dangerous war that threatened the world had to be stopped by a family that tried to find powerful allies all over the world and, somehow through deux-fucking-machina they won. Well, you won’t get your Jacob-renesme (Jacobeesme? Reneecob?) but the stupid mate bonds are there and that’s all that matters. 

I don’t think anybody doubted that they would all live happily ever after, right? There were two people who did die but hen they were magically brought back to life, and so the story ends like a crappy after school special promising much more fun adventures to come!

6.Nobody gives a fuck about Nesta, she’s the Celaena of Fae world:

I don’t have much to say here because there really isn’t anything to add to the title. Fuck Nesta.

7.If something bad has to happen, you know it’s gonna be rape:

Why oh fucking why does every time something bad happens or is threatened to happen, it has to do with girls being brutally raped? We got TONS of horrific descriptions on how women had been raped and tortured, but absolutely none of these characters were given the time to actually be characters, instead of simply “bodies to be raped” so the author could show you just how brutal the world is, and while she was at it being praised for her portrayal of abuse victims (WHY?! For the love of God, fucking-WHY??!) but you know… she ran out of time to be respectful about it, you know? Like, she had to write Rhysand and Feyre being turned about screwing in a library full of abuse survivors!!!

8.Random things to talk about:

-Why the hell are some characters now having suddenly brown-gold or honey-gold skin when they used to be the palest of pales? (Yes I’m looking at you, Rhysand). Either they are wearing too much bronzer or SJM decided to change their skin color for the sake of diversity which is… really insulting. C’mon, is it really that hard?

-I was never really annoyed by the sex scenes, other than because they made me laugh and cringe at the same time. Is it weird that I don’t get why there are complains about it? Am I so used to it that I can’t see anything weird with it?

And this is all my friends! I promised I would keep it short and I did. Farewell SJM! It was a displeasure!!

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